Thursday, June 22, 2006

There's a (man)rat in my kitchen (called Lee), what am I gonna do?!

See what I done there?! Took an old song and ad-libbed it a bit to suit me post. Geddit now?!!?!!

It's been a funny old day- and beware - this tale is not for the faint of heart!!

I woke after being rudely awakened by the most excruciating calf cramp that seemed to last for half an hour - I was screaming loudly the whole time (the bedroom window was opened so gawd knows what the neighbours must have thought). When it eventually passed the best course of action seemed to be to go down stairs and make myself a much needed dose of caffeine to aid my recovery.

And on arrival to my lovely kitchen, I had a closer inspection of the "cleaning" Lee carried out yesterday - and quickly realised why he was so eager to gt me straight out of the house and down to ye olde local.

He'd actually tidied, rather than cleaned, if it could even be called tidied. The dishes stacked on the draining board didn't even appear to have seen so much as a trickle of water, let alone some fairy liquid and a dish cloth. So I heaved the whole lot into the dishwasher, only to see that the cooker top was absolutely caked in thick grease, as was the work surface, and the cooker hood, and the splash back, and the utensil jar.....I think you get the picture. Even Morrison's good ole "Trust", which I usually find fab for all my household grime-busting needs, couldn't shift this lot. Where are Kim and Aggie, the grease-grappling queens, when you need them? That said, I bet even they would have run screaming from the battlefield that was my kitchen this morning. I eventually found a mangled old scourer at the back of the cupboard, and after about an hours scrubbing, and some good, old fashioned, hot soapy water, the place looked half decent again.

By then, the dishwasher had finished, and, being the general ham-fisted clutz that I am, I broke a mug unloading it. I went to grab some carrier bags to wrap it in (see, I'm considerate me, wouldn't want the nice bin men cutting themselves now would we?) from the right posh storage-come-dispenser thing we have in the pantry. The pantry's had a strange smell for a while that we've been unable to get to the bottom of, nothing too bad, but a bit like somebody had left a pack of Quavers or cheesy Wotsits open in there, we couldn't find a source so put it down to insufficient ventilation.

Now, the carrier bag dispenser. Rather than them popping out one at a time like they are supposed to, the bags were all tangled in with each other, and I had to pull half of them out to free one up - when suddenly I realised something wet was running down my arm - and I looked down at the bags to see them covered in this browny-yellow stinky juice. My immediate reaction, by the stink alone, was that it was cat weewee. Yeeeeeeeuuuuuch!!!! But the realisation dawned that not even my clever likkle purdy cats could open the pantry door, remove half the carrier bags, take a quick whizz and then put the carriers back on top, closing the door after them.

When we put our grocery shopping away I usually grab one of the carrier bags to put rubbish in as I go along; the over-ripe fruit from the fruit bowl, the bag of left over peas from the freezer, the stub of cheese nobody's going to eat........the sort of stuff that can decompose, rot, turn brown and yellow and stink like cats pee as it merrily rolls down your arms and all over you.

It would seem that Lee had at some point mistakenly grabbed such a bag with the fresh carriers, and pushed it into the storage/dispenser thingymajiggy.

And, working upon when we first noticed the iffy pong in the pantry, that would have been some time ago.

February we think.


So, the moral of the story is, never let a man in the kitchen. Don't let them cook - they'll get grease everywhere and won't clean it up before it solidifies into a permanent mass all over everything. Don't let them clean - they'll just stack the dishes up on the drainer until you come along to sort them out. And never, ever, let them help put the groceries away.

And when I finally got around to that much needed coffee - the milk was off.

I was actually glad to come to work this evening!

Sweet dreams, my bloggerlicious buddies xxxx


Di said...

LOL - Brilliant. Well thats one way to take your mind off calf cramp!

Chrissie said...

ROFL!!!!! Too funny!

Karen said...

lmao! No chance of Alex helping put the groceries away.....he mysteriously disappears as soon as the key is in the door! Hmmmmmm

Good job lee didnt grab some craft stahs in with that handsome little lot that turned ot mush, by crafting rights, you would of had enough evidence for commiting manslaughter! *wink*